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Bi-Cultural Relationships

 

A long-term relationship with a partner from your own culture already is an adventure in itself, however, tying the knot with someone from another culture is an altogether different experience.

 

Initial results I got from my ongoing book research on bi-cultural couples indicated a number of issues that best be clarified and discussed before committing long-term.

 

International relationships are nothing unusual in Hong Kong and easy to conduct.

For those involved they open up new ways of life and often new perspectives on old perceptions.

Initially all is exiting and almost exotic. Couldn’t get any better?

Absolutely.

As long as you step off Cloud 9 once in a while if you plan on a long-term commitment and take time to think about the following issues (don’t ignore them because they will at some point inevitably come up):

 

What are the greatest cultural differences between you and your partner in terms of

 

  • Traditional roles of man and wife in your respective cultures? Could there be a hidden agenda of expectations that up to now in your relationship were unimportant because both of you were basically still living an independent life? Be aware of any shifts in your relationship once you have started living together.

  • Influence of In-Laws? Who else do you ‘marry’/commit to? Are there typical rôles in-laws take on once you committed yourself that you were unaware of? Do you now discuss private and career matters not only with your partner but also get (unasked for) advise from your partner’s family? How do you feel about it? Do you regard it as interference or well-meant support? Are there loyalty conflicts in some situations? How strong are the family ties?

  • Bringing up Children. It is at this point that cultural differences become most poignant. Even a great relationship has to deal with a few challenges in this phase. In an inter-cultural family the language question is pertinent: You and your partner probably have at least two languages between you (i.e. a Dutch and Philippine couple communicates in English). What ‘mother tongue’ will your child speak? Do you both stay with your own respective languages and your child grows up bi-lingual? (Make sure that both languages get equal input otherwise your child will most likely choose his/her own main language). What will the school language be? Is your child fluent and literate in it?

 

Other areas of conflict can be that of values: What is important for you to have a child grow up with (i.e. compassion, discipline, social behaviour)? Do you and your partner agree on the same?

If each of you pursue individually what you think is right and it is not congruent with your partner’s ideas the child will get confused, might use one of you against the other or eventually do what they think is right (always a tricky path especially in puberty).

Being on the same page with your partner in bringing up children can make life a lot easier.

 

  • Religion. Are you required to convert or go through ceremonies, etc. and are you prepared to do this? What role will religion play in your daily life? Will there be restrictions, ceremonies or regular rituals that you are expected to take part in? To what extend do you welcome it and get honestly involved?

 

The How-to’s

 

  • Keep communicating.  Don’t take anything for granted.  Express what is on your mind and seek clarity with your partner if needs be on a daily basis. You may not be used to this at first but it will prevent misunderstandings and frustration in the future.

  • Focus on the Positive. There is so much new and exciting that you and your partner can create out of combining your cultures and your children will get the best of both worlds.

  • Don’t compare. Your mother may have done everything differently from your partner’s and it wasn’t any worse or any better – just different.

  • Learn about your Partner’s Culture. Visit the country, appreciate the culture, read about it and get your own information.

  • Expect the unexpected  and count it as pleasant surprises. Be tolerant and open towards any differences.

  • Get Help when needed. If you are stuck with a recurrent issue go to a few sessions with a counsellor or a coach. They will help you get it sorted out.

     

 

Life is what happens while you are getting (and staying) married.

Bottom line: Just do it but with eyes wide open.

 

Gudrun Kittel-Thong

 
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