"How Can You Say That?

Turning Hurtful Words into Conversations that Heal”

by Amy Lynch with Dr. Linda Ashford

Review by Gudrun Kittel-Thong

"Parenting is like piloting a plane”- take off is optional but landing is mandatory – and in between ‘it’s our job to get the passengers (our kids) safely to their destinations’.

In her book, Amy Lynch, explores the verbal pitfalls as they may occur in the lives of parents and care-givers raising their kids.

'How Can You Say That?' is a book about keeping communication going between parents and kids, about building up, maintaining and strengthening the lifelong ties that help children grow into self-assured, compassionate and independent adults.

It is also a book about letting go when it is time or the situations demands it.

Amy makes the reader aware of the power of words.

Words are tools. They can tear down or build up. Words can get us into trouble but they are also pathways back and a way to stay close.

According to the author girls are born to talk because their brains are wired for language facility. They begin to speak earlier than boys and later on bond through talking while boys bond with activity.

If your child is particularly adept at arguing or quick with repartees do not try to keep up in this area, rather, be patient and listen. Listen to the tone and look at the body language to know the intend behind the words.

Raising kids is ‘learning on the job’ and we apply mostly those methods that we have learned through our parents. Today’s children, however, grow up in a considerably different world than we have. The world is much harsher, language in general is much meaner than it used to be and external influences are stronger.

This makes it all the more important in our role as parents to provide a save haven at home a respite from words that demean and hurt.

At the same time parents are only human, too. We also have days that are taxing and exhaust us mentally as well as physically. It becomes a genuine challenge then to be a grown up when upon arriving home we are facing a teenager with an issue that in our eyes appears negligible.

It is at these moments when we have to be aware of what is communicated. Acknowledge your teenager’s feelings and validate them but also talk about your own feelings, when, for example, you have to say ‘No’ to a request and are accused of being mean. In scenarios like these Amy offers suggestions as to what you can say, i.e.:

“It doesn’t feel good to me, either, when I have to say no about something. But sometimes I have to. This is one of those times.”

The book provides many different situations parents can find themselves in; coupled with explanations of what goes on in between the lines and useful tips as to what can be done.

 Particular emphasis repeatedly comes through on the lasting effect parents’ words have on their children. Younger children take every word we say about them as true. ‘Deep down they believe what we tell them about themselves’. Therefore teasing is a tricky subject.

Boys tend to tease others to show their interest in someone and fathers often tease their children to show their affection for them. However, much of the time children experience teasing as hurtful.

This similarly applies to comments about body shape, academic performance and sports.

Adolescence is a time when teenagers begin to disengage from their parents, when they want to be seen as unique individuals (while at the same time wanting to blend in with their peers and not stand out).

Girls (and increasingly boys, too) become very sensitive about their body shape. In fact studies have shown that by age seven a girl’s attitude about her body shape has formed and as many as half of today’s eight and nine year old girls are dissatisfied with their size and long to be thinner.

Amy gives an example:

“Girl: Do you think I’m fat?

Dad: No.

Girl: Really?

Dad: Well, maybe you could stand to lose just a little weight.

Girl: That’s the worst thing you’ve ever said to me! (Runs to her room crying).”

Dads’ comments about their daughters’ physical appearance carry particular weight because daughters listen to their dads to find out what men and boys are going to think of her.

If you managed to get into this hot seat here is what you can say alternatively:

"I’ve noticed you’re changing size, but I definitely don’t think you’re fat. I like how you look.’

‘Tell me more about what you’re thinking. Maybe I can help’

‘You are a beautiful girl, and don’t ever believe anybody who tells you otherwise.’

‘Body image today has become so distorted, with girls wanting to look like models. We can get brainwashed to think that only those images are beautiful, when people come in lots of different sizes and shapes. You’re beautiful, kiddo. Don’t ever forget it.’

The other area where communication with our children can go awry is around school grades.

In an academically extremely competitive environment like Hong Kong Amy’s words ring particularly true, ‘We need to remember that not all the important work our daughters (and sons, G.K-T.) are doing is academic. During middle school kids may go through a phase when they put their friends first and their studies second.’

Helpful remarks when your child comes home with a low grade are, i.e.:

‘I worry when you get bad grades, so I need for you to explain to me what happened that caused this grade to be so low.’

‘What would you do differently next time? or ‘Maybe I can help you get organized to study for the next test like this one.’

‘I know it’s important for you to spend time with friends. It’s also important to do your studies. How can we schedule your time differently so that you’ll get your studying done?’

‘This is just one grade. There will be others, and in the end you’ll do fine. I know you work hard, and I’m proud of you all the time. Nobody does everything right. That wouldn’t be normal!

If we get hung up on academic or athletic competition we lose sight of compassion. Compassion comes from clarity about our separateness from our children’s achievements.

Now, of course, Amy does not want us to walk on egg shells every time we talk to our children. Her aim is for the reader’s awareness and allowing giving yourself time to think so you are not just reacting to words; and also acknowledging the wisdom that you already have.

The book is immensely readable and clearly structured: when you are pressed for time but looking for some ideas, you can look up chapters like ‘Food Fights and Body Size’, ‘Crossing the Line’, or ‘Apologies and Forgiveness’.

Amy’s approach is empathetic and humorous – even the most ‘serious’ parent will have moments of laughter reading her book.

The book has been primarily written for parents with daughters however, in my experience as a Parent Counselor and Career Path Coach here in Hong Kong, many of Amy's observations, examples, and advice equally apply to parents with sons, and to caregivers of children of any age or gender. I recommend this book if you would like some new ideas on how to improve communication in the home and how to turn hurtful words into conversations that heal.

Published in the magazine Harmony (Vol. 24)  2009